Saturday, August 18, 2007

The illegal immigration solution

(I was going to write “final solution” but I think it was already taken.)

As we all know, the Grand Bargain bipartisan compromise fell apart. “So what’s your idea, hot shot?”, they asked.

I just came up with the answer. The way I see it, the problem is money, as is often the case. The illegals are costing us money in our schools, police departments, emergency rooms, welfare, social services…. What they need is money so they can pay their own way, right?

Carbon credits. You heard me, carbon credits. OK, the average illegal sneaking through the desert is around 18 years old. (I could be off a year or two, so don’t hold me to it. Think of the concept here.)

For every year he lived in Mexico without an SUV and plasma TV, he has banked 10,000 carbon points. So he crosses the border with 180,000 credits in his pocket.

You use them just like cash. When he needs $7,000 for a year in public school for his child, he just hands over 7,000 carbos to the teacher. He goes to the emergency room for a sore back and peels off 450 Cs as he walks out.

Bail money, fines, fees, tax bills all paid with carbon credits.

I called my bank and asked if these could be used “same as cash”, and he said he thought so, as long as he got a 3% processing fee. He’d have to check on the stability of the financial institution and get back to me.

So he asked a few questions about the institution. I thought about telling him it was the United Nations and thought better of it. They’ve had a few problems with handling money over the years.

How about the Democratic Party? Same problem. (The GOP is no better.)

So I finally blurted out, “It has the full faith and credit of the United States government!” and I hung up.

So I’m thinking this could be really big. But who would accept carbon credits for payment? Surely the lib school teachers would. And the Prius dealers. And I think for sure we ought to pay our elected officials with them.

How about those fat pensions for government employees? They somehow never got the word that private industry gave up pensions in favor of 401(k) plans a couple of decades ago. So, they’d bank carbos rather than cash in their pension funds. Heck we could convert all government payrolls to carbos.

Bummer. My banker just called back. He said there was no way he could do the carbo thing. It seems he did a D & B on the government and found they had a huge debt. I thought he said $9 trillion, but that can’t be right, can it?

And here I thought I had the answer. Maybe I’ll try the UN after all.

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