Exhausting

I’m looking for some business opportunities these days and I’ve hit on an idea that is as hip as global warming itself – catalytic converters for cows.

I got the idea from a letter written by the co-chair of our local green group, Slow Global Warming-Elgin.

Among her other save-the-earth tips, Sandy writes: “But we should all eat less beef. The cow is the biggest user of water and grain and produces the largest amount of methane (a GHG also) of all the food animals.”

FYI, GHG is not a chemical compound. It is a junk science acronym for Green House Gasses. It sounds much more official than “Various other, sometimes unidentifiable, junk that we think might harm us.”

So, I’m on the ground floor with this idea of installing exhaust pipes on all the cattle nationwide. The potential is huge.

My other idea is to work the other side of this issue. If I can get grant money I’d like to study the “emissions” of the lactose intolerant. With a few years of study ($5 million ought to do it) I can get Congress to outlaw milk cows because they are causing humans to emit these GHGs.

Either way I win, you see. We either outlaw cows or I’ve got them covered from behind. Who’s with me on this one?